| It is not unusual for people who have devoted a great deal of energy to personal development and spiritual development to find that they keep slipping back into old feelings and old behaviors that do not serve them. This is distressing at times and can cause people to question or doubt whether they are on the right path. It is important for people to know what lies behind these disturbing times and to see that this is an inevitable part of growth and increasing consciousness. As disciplined as one may be in their spiritual practice, in the monitoring of their thoughts and beliefs, one can still be overtaken by fear which leads to judgment of oneself. As one achieves deeper and deeper levels of awareness and consciousness, one uncovers aspects of oneself that were considered dangerous or destructive and so had to be repressed. The feeling was that this part could cause one to be abandoned or rejected or disapproved of to such a degree that one's survival might be threatened. At this point, when becoming conscious of this part of oneself, it is natural for the ego to take over and try to control one's experience, to try to subjugate that aspect. It does this by judging it as bad and unsafe and reinforcing the fear that, if this is exposed, there will be some sort of calamity. As soon as the ego asserts itself, one is again separate from the truth, separate from knowing their own perfection and so all the old feelings of isolation, being unloved and such, rise again. This is a normal occurrence, not to be viewed as a problem with discipline or a lack of spiritual commitment. It is a natural and inevitable part of deepening your consciousness and awareness. The key to making this cycle less powerful and less distressing is to recognize what is happening, acknowledging the fear and releasing the judgment of yourself. It is easy to forget that every aspect of you, every way that you are is an expression of god. It is impossible for there to be some part of you that isn't a direct expression of god, even your battle with yourself, even your ego; they are all expressions of god. The sooner you can recognize that and let go of the judgment, the sooner you will feel connected again. This is not to be expected that you will feel perfectly connected and joyful every moment for the rest of your life. What can be expected is that you will feel accepting of yourself, whether you feel happy or not. And that you will not judge yourself for feeling less than joyful. Being human is only possible because of polarities and so polarities are an intrinsic part of being human. It is only the judgment of those polarities that makes them difficult. Remember that there is no way for you to be anything less than perfect and a complete expression of god. No matter how bad you may feel the truth does not change. You are the light and love of god and that is the only truth. |
